I Don't Know

  I enjoy talking. It is easily one of my favorite things to do. I could, and sometimes do, spend hours with people talking about the way they see things around them. It's interesting, to me, to get the perspective of someone who isn't me. I see through my eyes the majority of the time, but on the occasion that I convince someone else to help me to see the world through their eyes, that is a truly wonderful time.  These types of conversation, the ones where I start to understand people and their lives better, seem to have started me saying a new phrase: "I don't know"
  There's nothing wrong with not knowing things. That's not what I'm saying whatsoever. I seem to, for some reason, have begun saying "I don't know" about far more things than I should. I say it when I know things, I say it when I don't know, I say it when I can't find the right words and sometimes I even say it randomly when I have a lot on my mind, openly admitting "I don't know" to no one. I wonder if it is a nervous habit or if its possible that in all honesty I really don't know. By this I mean I know a lot of things; I have good grades, an active mind and an adventurous, learning attitude. I wonder sometimes though that if my not knowing is more based on more of my knowing for the future and less of my knowing about right now.
  When I say I know for the future it can be explained by the model of a marathon runner. He really doesn't know why he works so hard to push his body each day. After all, he will work out again the next day or the next week so why does he have to keep pushing so hard through each day, regardless of how challenging each day is? It really doesn't seem justified. But, by knowing himself and his own goal he knows that by even missing one day he could totally destroy the path he is on. He has to keep a sound mind and body to achieve the things his heart wants to accomplish. I often wonder if this is why I keep moving through life so quickly and with my eyes looking to the future. I also wonder if this is why I have started saying "I don't know" so much more frequently. It is possible that in my heart I know where I am going and why I do all of the things that I do. In my head, if I think about it long enough, almost everything I do makes sense and I find myself at peace. At the same time, if I don't think about it I can find myself confused with the way life is going. If I look at my life with a different perspective I can see the things and people I lack that I would much rather have. I see the time I give away to education and work and if I'm not careful I see it as a pointless endeavor. The trick I am learning is to be future-minded, looking towards tomorrow far more than I am looking at today. I still focus on what I do in day to day life, that is important. However, I have to know where I am wanting to go in life in my heart and then align my head and the actions of my hands to carry that out.
  Life is not easy. It is often fun, but rarely easy. From the experience I have had I would say to be careful to not set your eyes on today. Today may the most beautiful day you have ever seen but tomorrow is a discovery to be made. Learn what you expect from that discovery and today can make tomorrow better.

-Mattaghetti

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Suicidal or Dead?

  I intend to touch on some serious subjects so let's start by reinstating what I said on my first blog; I write as I think, my thoughts grow as I add words to the page so stay with me until the end, then feel free to comment or disagree. That being said I wish to empty my mind so enjoy.

  Death, being as exciting and unpredictable as it is, is a very serious subject. Regardless of your beliefs of the afterlife or lack thereof death is separation from everyone you love. Even if you believe in reincarnation death still separates the person you knew from you. Death is serious part of life but, as I think I'm coming to realize, death surrounds everyone. Obviously it would be easy to say that death surrounds everyone because is the end of life; trees die, people die, even microwaves die, however that is not what I'm talking about. I wonder if there is a certain feeling of death that surrounds us or, maybe it is a sort of suicidal tendency. I by no means am implying that people are naturally given the idea of taking their own life; rather people seem to be exceptionally willing to give their own life for a variety of things. When it comes down to it everyone has something that propels them forward; an idea of what they want to be and with many people, at least everyone that I have ever met, that thing is something they would be willing to give their life for.

  I'm not trying to make light or death or suicide; they are both very serious and impact many people in a variety of ways; however, the giving of ones own life over to something is also very serious in my eyes. Allow me to give you an example: You are given two plants; both healthy and will stunningly beautiful once they bloom. With these plants come the instructions; if these plants die there is no way to replace them; they are forever dead. A serious portion of your life becomes devoted to protecting and maintaining your plants and making sure that when they bloom they're seen by as many people as possible. Turn that into real life; you only have so much time to ready yourself before you "bloom". Often people spend a large portion of their time making sure they have an audience to cheer them on for when they bloom, friends to support them until they do and a plethora of other types of people surrounding them and their life for the moment they bloom.

  Its easy to say "this isn't about suicide at all! Or hardly death even!" But reconsider what suicide is, taking ones own life... By using your time surrounding yourself with people to give you a social-high you are giving up your time (Your life) to make sure what you do is approved and accepted by others. I'm in no way saying to go through life alone or that is a good idea. In my years often it seems that the people that seem to be surrounded by friends are just as much alone as the people who are made fun of for being alone; the only things that separate people who rank in a different social class tend to be genetics or certain skill-sets; nothing serious.

  My mind is relieved and in the end it is this; No matter how much of your life you spend trying to make someone else care about you, notice you, appreciate you or even notice that your heart is beating make sure you do not give away your life trying to wiggle your way into someone else's. Everyone has a life and only one; don't give yours away so quickly, you need it.

--Mattaghetti

Far From Poetry.

  I am not poetic; I explain life how I see it to be. Often people confuse the two whenever I try to explain a thought or feeling I have. People often say I am "poetic" or deep but in my mind all I do is explain the world around me the best I can regardless of how "poetic" it sounds.
  Poetry isn't bad; it's a key to unlocking deeper or personal feelings that simply cannot be expressed by other means. It rates along side music, dancing or art; it is the path from an image -be it in ones mind or in the physical form in front of them- to an emotion. However, even with my ability to write at a decent level I am not a poet. The difference between what I write and true poetry is what you want the reader to experience. When I attempt to explain something using "deep" thoughts or words I aim to let out an emotion I have; free a thought or voice a wisp-like hope. When a poet captivates an emotion they do so for the reader. They build a bridge in the hope that someone else may be able to use it to cross; my work is built for the other party to understand where I'm coming from.
  Although I lack poetic ability that does not mean I am free of emotion or emotional understanding. I believe poetry, just as much as any other form of artistic expression, needs to be toned, explored and experimented with. I believe I have poetic ability just as much as I do the ability to paint or make music though none of these skills have been toned to the level I would aim to present to others, though, is that really the aim of true art expression?
  I honestly do not think I have a presentable level of artistic expression but is that the true meaning of art? The counterargument for my point is simple: Art is meant as a form of expression showing that we are all experiencing life at a different place and at different times; art is not a word but a poem, not a note but a song, not a painting but rather a frame in which we create life.
  If I am not poetic it could be because I lack skill or because I simply do not want to express that part of me. Poetry as well as other forms of art is an expression and whether we choose to express that side of ourselves is a gift that only we can accept.

  "A life lived alone is the life of a leaf on water. The hope that some day he will go deeper soon leads to the realization that to do so he must first destroy who he is in the hope that the water will embrace the new him."-Me

"Often people who are lonely live life as if they have the feeling of wind on their face; they know it isn't touching them because it has great strength but because no one is there standing next to them to stop the flow of it."-Me

--Mattaghetti

I Swear...

Its a funny concept, swearing that is. Not the sort of swearing where you promise someone something but rather the type of swearing that is also referred to as "Cursing" "Foul" and a variety of other things. The words your parents told you not to say, the things you utter when you drop something and it breaks, that's the type of swearing I'm talking about.
This type of swearing or cursing is often looked at as inappropriate or wrong but why? The "F-Bomb" is just sex, right? And the "S-word" is just a more aggressive way of saying poop or crap, so why then are these other forms of words considered offensive? There are two reasons I think; expression and aggression. Let's look at expression first.
Expression as in if something valuable breaks or is lost the words that you speak to express your feelings. These words in their actual meaning have little or nothing to do with what you're trying to say. Yelling poop when something is lost really doesn't express the frustration of the situation as well as actual words would but they're what we've accepted.

The other type of swearing; aggression, is person based on hurting others. Usually this is followed by "you" like "damn you" or Eff you" the difference in the swearing comes down to intention; were you expressing the pain you felt or were you intending to harm someone else?
I won't condem swearing nor will I accept it. It (generally) makes people sound like they lack intelligence or self-control when they use it but when it comes down to it swearing isnt much more than people expressing feelings the best they know how, be it intelligent sounding or not.

The Future!

  Muscles tight and legs ready to run I decide to take time to write a blog. It's too cold to run and my muscles have been tight the last two days after choosing to work out with a guy easily twice my size but, regardless here I sit now, writing away on my computer as usual. My mind has been nastily active over the past few days which, for me, is often a thing, not good nor bad. I'll give it to you bluntly: I have an active mind. I believe I'm ADHD and along with that creativity seems to come naturally to me. I try to keep myself motivated in my work, be it my blogs or my YouTube channel squaire1 but no matter how much I say or write it feels like there is always more to say.

  The intention of this blog is unclear to me still. I titled it "The Future" because that's the only place my mind can seem to think about. I love the idea of having people follow me, I won't lie, I think I have value as a person and I'm somewhat inspirational I suppose.. Ideas come naturally to me and I'm decent looking... All of this to ask a question; why aren't we famous? The average person, why does it seem like such an unnaturally long journey to take to find fame? It's confusing to me because it seems like other people are swept into fame. I by no means hunt after being famous, just not forgotten I suppose. If I lived my life without fame but instead I achieved many other things I would be fine. I want to make an impact more than anything and I think that's a very common thing among people as a whole.

  I don't think it's impossible to have the life you always dreamed of. I think there is more to the life we all imagine then we care to think about but the life itself seems perfectly obtainable. I do many things I have to in the hope that some day, in the future, I can do the things I want to. It's very similar to the way people embrace the concept of love. We date people we may not like in a few months or even in a few hours in the hope that one day one person will take us with all of our faults and just accept us. In the same way I think most people hope life will, at some point, accept them without caring about the stupid choices they've made or the burdens they carry.

  Sorry if this blog was a bit wordy, I have a lot on my mind as we come to another weekend. Please follow me on Twitter @mattaghetti or check out my YouTube channel squaire1 either way I look forward to writing to you again soon. If you have anything you want covered please leave a comment. Have a nice day --Mattaghetti

Silence is Golden

  If the saying "Silence is golden" is true, how quickly can we cash in on that gold? It seems as though no matter how much we try to slow down or take a breather from life we, as a people, seem to love giving up that silence for whatever the trade-in value is for it the "gold" we trade for the silence.
  So what then, is the absolute value of silence? Is it worth the things we trade for it? The thrill of adventure grander then the sound of ones own thoughts? Can we let go of who we are in the silence to find a life that is worth more? Is a life without silence really worth more?
  Maybe the reason we have the quote to begin with is so we remember the value of the silence we don't always have the gift of having. I understand diving into life's many tasks and oppourtunties can be more than exciting, however, the peace one can experience from letting life go on without them from time to time can be just as wonderous.

Motivational Lies

Motivational Lies

  I'm more than aware it has been all too long since I posted last in this or my book "Oswald". Life has gotten very busy but I'll try to post more often, time permitting. With that being said, I was considering the things that push people into doing what they do and one factor came through clear; we all lie to ourselves.

 Granted, we don't call it "lying" that makes it sound as though it is intentional or like people are committing a sin of sorts and I'm not sure that's the case, but allow me to explain. The motivation I have surge through me is born from a hope that people will read my words and feel something, be it comfort, anger, jealousy or maybe even the "Hmm, I never thought of that" thought. In hindsight I wonder if I'm lying to myself, promising myself an audience that I may never achieve, after all, why would someone spend their time reading something I wrote over something an actual author wrote?

  So what then, does that make my hope? When I'm writing is it for fun or is it because I've promised myself a lie will come true after I finish? I would argue the latter.  When I write personally I dream of people saying "Hey, I loved your story, you should do more." But in actual life, that may never happen. How much more do we, as people, promise ourselves things that probably won't happen? We think that if we do certain things (such as work out) that circumstances will change that we obviously have no affect over (like people being attracted to us). So, are we lying to ourselves about the future or do we really believe that that will actually happen?

  There seems to be a bit of both when we think about it. The chance that practicing guitar for an hour a day will result in being in a world-famous band is a slim chance indeed, but it does exist. Not only that but the feeling of knowing that you can play guitar is something that can propel you forward, further into learning experiences. 

  I can't promise dreams come true, if they all did I know that my life would be drastically different. Love lies to us, people leave and thoughts are extinguished without a second chance. The idea in life is to push forward, accomplishing what we want to do, and sometimes what we feel we need to do, to be a better person tomorrow than we were today. If that person, the "better" version of us knows ballet then we need to stop at nothing to learn ballet. The only way to be happy with life is learning to be happy with yourself, then bettering that self by accomplishing things you deem important.

Choking on the "Future"

Choking on the "Future"

  You start up the internet and log into Facebook, you'll only be on for a minute, you just want to make sure that party is this weekend, not next weekend. As you do you type in your Email and password and, it's wrong. You type it again, maybe you hit the wrong button or caps-lock was on. You retype the password, then hit "Enter" with a bit more intensity, still wrong. The next step is one of two different ones; you either retype the password and pound enter just a bit harder or you go through trying your Twitter password, your Email password and any other passwords you can think of off of the top of your head, determined to get to the social networking that awaits you.

  There isn't a problem with social networking, its a fun, easy way to keep up on events and other people, the problem I've been having is social consumption. I have friends (quite a few) who sit on the computer hoping and waiting for something interesting to happen on Facebook. They wait for a status that is offensive or funny enough that other people get involved and then things are "exciting" I'm not saying a little bit of Facebook conversation isn't interesting to watch, as people we enjoy watching the interactions between others, that's why we love movies so much. There are two problems as I see it, one is social over-exposure.

  Social over-exposure is simple and easy to fall into. You just have to update your Twitter about what you ate, tell everyone that you're working the 9-5 again, post a quick picture of your new shades to Instagram and then check your Blog to make sure people viewed it over the weekend and you're all set. I know people are meant to interact and be social, but do we really need to drown ourselves in the idea that just because we're talking means others are listening? In short, I'd say no. Granted you can point the finger at me and say "But you're blogging, obviously you expect people to read about your life, why can't I expect the same?" The line is drawn between people who have a blog or blogs who have an author. Personally I'm not consumed with my Blog, it's a nice release of thoughts but if I were to post daily, making t-shirts with my web address on it and told all my friends to check it out, that may be a bit much.

  The second problem with social networking is simply, why? Why do we need to let people know what we're doing every couple of hours or minutes? It's partly because we are, undeniably social as people. We like to interact, chat, give and receive approval. The difference, again, is if we're sharing important parts of our lives with others or if we're trying to use Instagram as our picture-autobiography. Connecting with others is important, some would even argue that it's vital to being healthy, whole human beings. Just make sure that your social networking time doesn't cut into your social time.--Mattaghetti

By the way, remember to follow me on twitter @mattaghetti

The Prison of Your Mind.

The Prison of Your Mind

  This writing is not planned. It is not intentional nor will I backspace, I write as my mind speaks and, often, that can be dangerous. I am curious if I am the only one in the world I sometimes find myself living in. A world where I am king, but a severely meek king. A place where I could rule if I ever spoke the words in my head, but I know that my words are often more powerful then even I want to realize. 

I don't say any of this to seem like I'm some sort of powerful author. If you've read any of my writing you may have good reason to argue otherwise, reasons which are probably valid. The prison I'm talking about is so much more than a place where words fail to escape. It's a place where words wait for a sliver of daylight that, chances are, they won't see. A place where thoughts scream to be heard but screams are muffled by status quo and the thoughts lose their voices quickly. 

I wonder if we all have these type of prisons built into us. Places where our most creative, beautiful, amazing side sits, often times idle, wishing for escape. I wonder if musicians, not the people on the radio per say but real musicians, have songs that fight to come out. I wonder if writers have words that they can feel burning their way through their skin if they don't write for too long. If athletes long to run, if dancers have a part of them that lives off of the beat, or, maybe it's just me with the need. The inner me, the side that often goes unseen, arguably the best part of me, the part that I can feel fighting to get out The part of me that I know if people gave any time to show what it can do, they would give the kudos I all too often have to promise myself to make it through the day. 

I don't intend to sound depressed or like I'm some sort of abused soul, Lord knows I'm not. My point is a simple wondering; maybe there are others like me who feel the need to escape the mold of what they've built themselves to be. It doesn't seem too far fetched to me. Other people who have a part of themselves that they wish they could share or let out. I don't offer a solution. I have no remedy to the problem that is lack of self-expression. I just hope I can find it in myself to let out the part of me that I want everyone to see and I hope you can do the same.

The Journey We Have Made It To.

The Journey We Have Made It To

  I know few people who stay in the same city their entire life doing the same thing. I would even venture to say I know no people who do that. Most people, everyone I know in fact, move around at one point or another in life. Some people take vacations, some just call it "together time" with their family, but whatever it is, we all travel at some point in life, even if it's to another room in the house. 

What if it really is about the journey and not the destination? There are many people in the world and, chances are good, that there is more than one person somewhere who would give anything for your life. Maybe it's for the simple fact that you have heat in your house or, maybe it's just because you own a house at all. There are billions of people on this planet, what if your journey is someone else's destination? I don't want to play "what-if" games on my blog, those go on endlessly, but think about it for a second with me. There are so many things so many people take for granted. I don't want to sound like I'm insulting  person group or anyone really, that's not my intention at all, I don't want to insult anyone. 

Think about this with me for a moment, your daily tasks, be it your job, family, pets or whatever it is you do, that could well be someone else's dream. Even simply having a job to go to or a pair of working legs to rise upon in the morning is amazing. Your hell could possibly be someone else's heaven. Your silent, single life could be a prostitutes dream. Your endless list of business meetings is what a small business owner hopes to aspire to one day, making his little business worth having meetings about. 

I don't think we should feel good when our lives aren't what we want them to be, that would be silly. We have to keep our hopes alive and our eyes faced towards brighter horizons. At the same time, we have to remember, where we stand now, no matter how uncomfortable we may be, is the peak of someone else's mountain. We have to be willing to help others climb to the top while trying to reach our peak as well. 

I don't want to sound like all the world needs is for people to try to better others, there is a lot wrong with this planet, some things just aren't fixable by us. Situations often fall out of our control and sometimes things go too far. 

But I digress, I will save that topic for another blog.

The point I am trying to get across here is simply this: Don't spend all of your time on the mountain looking to fly with the birds. Don't spend all of your nights on the journey dreaming of the end. The sky can be lonely and the end comes swiftly. Enjoy every step, every stumble, every friend and learn from every enemy. There will be a day when you reach the top and just as swiftly will be the day you fall.--Mattaghetti

Les Miserables For Me?

Les Miserables For Me?

  It is easy to see where people get captivated by things they love or, things they "love" rather. I have many good friends with iPhones and Xbox's. PlayStation 3's and HD TV's but where does it stop? I'm not saying I'm opposed to any of those things, I own a few of them to be honest, but at what point does what we love become what we "love"? It seems to me the two things merge all too easily, allow me to explain. 

I met a girl over the summer who became a good friend of mine. She was into theater type things. She enjoyed going to dances (if it was a "Ball" it was that much better) she liked plays, musicals, big bands and ballet and she was good at the things she liked. She could act, sing, sing opera (which, in my mind, is a totally different thing) dance ballet and was overall an interesting person. The thing was, she loved the book/play Les Miserables. I can honestly say I've never seen the play or movie Les Miserables or read even a sliver of the book. My friend loved it dearly and, when she discovered I hadn't "experienced" any of the different forms of Les Mis' glory she was almost determined to beat it into my mind. She would sing songs from the play and when I asked what she was singing she would reply with an almost snobbish "oh, it's from Les Mis, you wouldn't understand" as if I had missed out on some sort of revival that would grace my spirit with a fantastic awakening as soon as my mortal eyes gazed upon Les Miserables. 

The book/play/movie Les Miserables isn't what today's blog is about per say, it's the idea that because we've seen, done or can do something differently than someone else we're better than others, which may be the reason I haven't pursued it any more to this day. The impression I've been left with from many iPhone users has been the same "Oh, you don't have an iPhone? That sucks" as thought there was some sort of incomplete chapter in life that could only be better with the purchase of an iPhone. The mindset isn't just for those things though, as you probably know. It reaches to whether we drive a car over a truck, we play Xbox instead of PlayStation or whatever we do, we get based because of it.

I do, in fact, plan on seeing Les Miserables when it comes to DVD format (I'm not big on theaters) but I think the mindset that because the group does something and, because we're with the group, we're better doing that thing, needs to be quieted. The problem isn't so much the "If everyone you know walked off a cliff, would you?" thought but it's "If everyone else paid for a bus ride up to the top of a cliff, would you?" which, in short, my answer is no. I get uncomfortable around heights so paying to hang out with people up at the top of a cliff doesn't sound like a good idea. iPhones, Les Mis, Nike shoes and any other thing people buy up because everyone else is are (usually) fine products to buy, the problem comes when we see someone who isn't in our same purchasing circle and we frown on them. People are free thinking (or should be) and we have to encourage that in order for people to find the proper religion, friends, career, media and life purpose as a whole.--Mattaghetti

High School: The Flames of Life and Love

   It's a funny thing finishing your senior year in high school, in some respects you know almost nothing, in other ways you know way more than a lot of people. There's the actual work you do (which sometimes feels like it never ends) be it school, keeping up with your family or your actual job. It's true, believe it or not, high schooled kids know a lot now. We see love, we see "love" we know lust, drugs, sex, money, lies, power, people who act like pimps, people who question themselves and moments that make us feel like we could hold the entire world and own it. The few years in high school we have we're quickly pulled from a world we were comfortable in and tossed to an ocean where none of the fish really know how to swim. Sure, some of the fish can swim for awhile or act like they can, but every one of them has had a time when they felt like they were drowning. It's a strange place, the life of a high schooled adolescent is, we find so many emotions so fast and with each emotion we're given we have a multitude of ways to handle it. When you find loneliness you can A: Find others to get rid of it. B: Drown it in a bottle or some other substance. C: Complain. D: Ignore it, tell yourself its a phase and you don't need anyone that badly anyway. The same rings true for all emotions found through out high school, be it love, lust, anger, happiness or whatever.    So, with that, where do we go? If we don't reach for love or happiness our hands will always find themselves being filled with something. We all have to reach over life's fire to grab love and hold tight. Sure, sometimes we get burned by the fire beneath us. Sometimes we even get a hold on love, real love, then we do something stupid and drop it into the fire, losing it forever. I remember a time not too long ago (I'm still a senior in high school as I write this so remember that) when I thought I had love, real love, and in fact, I did. I had found it, I would've done anything for the girl it went out to. The end of the story doesn't in happiness, unfortunately, not yet anyway. There weren't feelings being returned and in time (far too long of time but I  can be stubborn and learn slowly) I began to realize I had found what love felt like to give, but she wasn't ready for it. You have to accept people where they are in high school just as much as you have to accept yourself where you are, look at the situation and say (sometimes out loud) "who am I?" and "is this who I want to be?"  only you decide your placement in life, not your parents, not what that one idiot said about your face in 7th grade, you and only you. Thanks for reading! --Mattaghetti

Good Intentions

Good Intentions

  As my first blog it seems safe to say I don't have "the hang" of this, and in all honesty I probably never will. I accept feedback as well as thoughts so feel free to comment as you see fit. I hope that these blogs are a tool to whomever reads them as much as they are to me. A door handle to those looking to escape, an alarm for those looking to wake up, a journey to those looking for adventure and a blanket for those looking for warmth, I hope this blog is all those things. Maybe I'm aiming a bit high. After all, it's just me blogging to you, but what if that's all it takes? I'm hoping this blog is a window so that some people can see how they're not alone in all they go through. At the same time I want it to be a window so you can see into my life and laugh and cry along with me, after all, what good is a life lived alone? Personally I think it's a misused life. I start this blog with the best of intentions, the brightest view of the future and the highest hopes. If there is anything you have questions about, feel free to contact me. I look forward to presenting any readers with good times, rough spots and life as I'm experiencing it. Until the next post- Mattaghetti