In Time...

   I would love to start this post by saying how right I was, but, that's not the truth. In all honesty, the things we hear growing up are stupid, not relevant to our lives and a waste of our time, until they start coming true. This has been reflected by me, since the end of high school, in a number of ways, I'll go down the list as I remember them coming true.

"Your friends matter, but not as much as your family. We're the ones you're stuck with." I remember this being said, in some form, countless times as I grew up. There were times that I chose to invest time with my friends rather than time with my family. It's not that my family was overbearing or trying to absorb more of my time than they ought, rather, the importance of wanting to spend time with family was the message that was trying to be relayed. Years later, as I look back, I have the memories with those friends, but the contact isn't there. We talk from time to time, suggesting that we go on a trip or have another moment, but it doesn't work out; life has a way of moving you into new relationships, you have to be prepared and able to transition.

"Don't fall in love too early" or "Don't rush into anything" Again, this one came up in various forms. I'll admit, I was always a helpless romantic. I have countless ideas of a perfect moment, a perfect time or a great way to spend time with an amazing person. Part of this is because of my upbringing, part of this is because how I'm wired and part of it is crippling. I remember always trying to start something with someone growing up. Granted, I'm far from grown and as far as relationships go, I know I don't have them figured out. But, I've backed off a lot. Life, along with the curveballs it spits out, presents the right moment with the right people. Develop into the kind of person who can and will find love, don't be the person who "Falls in love" and can't get out.

"Don't worry, you wouldn't like it" Don't let people say this to you. I understand, you have your own tastes. But, figure out WHY you don't like something for yourself. I have a strong dislike for fish. I don't like the smell of it cooking, I move too fast to want to spend time fishing and I don't like the taste. But, I love sushi like no other. Things can be better than the sum of their parts, your tastes will change and you will grow. While you may not like whatever "it" is (for me, the list includes cooked carrots, While you Were Sleeping and other oddities) the list of things you can, and should try is just as long. Try things, learn why you don't like them, then try something else.

"It's ok..." This was easy to disagree with, during my teenage years and early college life especially. However, as my life goes on, day in and day out, it is ok. It's not on time, its not as bright as you planned and they're not as tall, but, as the end of the day, it is ok. Things, when viewed with the right attitude, turn out just fine.

"You'll figure it out..." This one, as much as I'd like to say came true, didn't. It comes true, but, my life has never had an "Ah-ha!" moment. Whether it was getting my degree or figuring out where I want to live, things get figured out, never mapped out. Life is unpredicable, love is inexplanably short, nights sometimes last too long and the world keeps turning. You were plopped down here because you have the integrity to figure it out, even if all you've figured out is that you don't want to move for the next hour, you've got one hour down, only a few more to go.

Life is exciting because no one has done what we're doing now. Good luck, to you, figuring out your life for the first time ever. Remember, every person you see and the ones you don't (myself included) has to do the same.
-Mattaghetti

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Limelight-less

           Typically, I think of my life as under my own control, or, at least controlled by forces I understand. Things like employment make sense; I know my boss, I understand a District manager and how they operate in a position of power over me at my job, these forms of power make sense.

The blurred line for me are the people I cannot see.

            There are forces in the world today that can change your life in a moment due to simply random selection, this concept is, first of all, somewhat alarming, also, a very curious thing to live your life knowing. To demonstrate this, I don’t have to reflect much further than Alex from Target, the man with the Golden Voice for radio or Dave, who simply went to the dentist. I understand that these people are only known (to the degree that they are known, you may not even know them) simply due to videos or pictures that went viral, spreading through the internet rapidly. A phenomena that can spread a video of a homeless man who simply has an excellent voice, an internet that can make a child who was bitten words (Charlie’s brother) turn into a quotable moment, and, can make a young man, simply bagging groceries become thrust into a national limelight is an amazing, and somewhat frightening thing.

            I suppose that the only reason I am reflecting on this suddenly with such an intense focus is because it happens to me from time to time. Obviously not in the same degree as Alex or Charlie, however, seeing that people whom I have never met (and honestly, probably never will meet) enjoy reading or watching things I say or do is kind of a mind blowing thing. Knowing that something you produced is gaining an audience of people who simply want you to do more and be yourself is awe-inspiring.

This coming from a young man who often muffled his own creativity.

            I suppose to some extent, this is a thank you. Thank you to whoever enjoys things I create. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you from the top of any mountain you help me climb. Thank you for being you and supporting me.

 

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Painfully Artistic

Painfully Artistic.

 

  I think this may turn towards the reader rather than focusing on myself like I prefer to do, not that I'm more interested in myself, I just know me better so it becomes easier to write based on what I know.    I think this is more of a curiosity, mainly because I wonder if you, the reader, is like me in the regard that I often feel hopelessfully hopeful.

 

  Let's be clear, you may get lost, I may get lost. But, lets try to stick together as I unwind my mind today. Here goes...

 

  I wonder if other people experiance the same feeling I do. I want to do something, I don't know what, I mean, I know a lot of the things I want to do. I want to use my time better, look better, impact more people, find more honest relationships and move past the point in my life where many people seem unhappy and zombie-like and somehow find myself in a place where people are living because they enjoy life. Not paradise, just a place where people actually like living. Living, as I see it, is a daily action, so, if people aren't enjoying the things they do on a daily basis (work, school, relationships they're involved in, etc) then they're not really enjoying life. I don't know, maybe I'm too ignorant and I don't understand yet that life isn't meant to be enjoyed. I understand that life isn't meant to be easy, I have no problem with that. I currently sit writing 45 minutes from my home, just released from a morning class and waiting for an afternoon nap, if there is anywhere that isn't a fun place to be, its waiting for a class you probably won't enjoy, but I digress. I don't want to complain. I just wonder, does anyone else feel the same? Do other people feel stiffled and shut down by various things that happen (or often don't happen) in their lives? Not in a complaining-type of way, just in an honest, "Yes, life sometimes makes me feel like I have things to release" kind of way.    For me personally, I find this feeling comes the most often when I haven't had the chance to write for a long time. "Then, write more often." one may say. While I understand the logic there I simply don't know what to say. I want to do more with myself than place my thoughts and ideas down on sheets of paper. Not that its bad, I love it, I just have other things I have to (and want to) do as well.

 

 

  Is it the same for you? Do you find your life slightly more boring when you don;'t have that musical connection? Are you less alive when you lack social exchanges? Feel free to comment and chat, I enjoy imput.

 

  On a somewhat related side note, I think I'm going to be making YouTube videos again, so I may post some of those here, I don't know, this is just whats gonig through my mind.

 

-Mattaghetti

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Plateau

  When it comes to life, the life lived by the author of this article anyway, there are very few fears that are experienced on a regular basis. True, fear strikes everyone and some people it assaults at on a daily basis and even more so with other people. The removal of that fear is not what has been active in my mind as of late, it is more the understanding of what I fear and trying my best to avoid it that is what has been the challenge. While many people would attempt to remove a fear, the fears I face most I embrace. I attempt to understand them, and, if possible, I use them to motivate choices that have to be made. 

  I would be thinking in a very lofty way if I were to say that there isn't a twinge of feeling that strikes when I am standing high above water that is flowing the bridge I stand upon. I have no fear of water (the fact that I simply do not enjoy swimming aside) and I posses little to no fear of bridges (although some are extremely under-maintained) however, the thing that would cause the racing in my chest would be the height itself; I have an aversion to heights. I do not hate them nor am I afraid of them honestly. I've flown in planes and flown planes and never in the planes themselves have I felt the pressure that I find when I stand too close to an edge, stand up too far in my seat on a Ferris' wheel and so on. My aversion to heights is not something that I find flowing into every encounter I have with heights, just a select few, however, the fear I have about life is something that finds it's way into every job I have had in my life; the fear of a plateau.

  To make my point simple and as easy to relate as possible, I want this to be understood; I DO NOT LET MYSELF PLATEAU. When I think of a plateau I think of a nice, safe, flat place. We may have climbed a mountain, one that we were waiting and training to climb for the past two months. We now have arrived at a point on the mountain where there is a nice, relaxing plateau to rest on. While it may appear to be easy and relaxing to use this moment to gather our thoughts and then possibly continue on later, I do not (or try my best not to) allow myself to do this. I find this desire, the need to run from such a safe place in my life, to be one of my biggest motivating factors. It has driven me out of jobs, away from friends and even into the blogging that (in all honesty) may be the only thing you ever know me for. I refuse to allow myself to stay in one place for too long. I refuse to plateau.

  While this may not seem like a fear of any sort, the kind of drive it inspires in me is more like that which would be found in fear rather than that which is made by comfortable counsel. I have moved to positions that I was unsure about simply because I felt as though doing what I had been doing had nothing more that could benefit me, why repeat what you are already great at? 

  In short, I cannot allow myself to stay on one level of learning, living, working or listening too long. I have to go deeper, know more or change the environment so the people around me know more than me. I have to keep a mind that is ready to learn. The information being received is just as important is the information being given.

-Mattaghetti

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Burning at the Bottom

I don't sit still well. I have wondered if I suffer from ADD, ADHD, severe boredom or possibly I really just don't have enough practice sitting still. In any case, I have tried to improve. I have practiced sitting still, be it in class, forcing myself to sit 100% still and focused, however, this was to little avail, I still have the habit of moving. Constantly.
As my life has continued I am entering into the work world. I find my habit following me and starting to change my work philosophies. I seem to be unable to sit still. My first jobs had me outdoors, moving, jumping and running. My later jobs found me running and driving often. Now, in my current job I seem to be physically moving less and in status trying to move more. I have perused promotions and connections more than ever with my eyes set on the future. I refuse to let my legs stand when I could run. I refuse to fall when I could fly. I refuse to burn at the bottom when I can climb to the top.
Of course, you can't breath at the  top of a mountain without training and survival of the fittest is also survival of the most prepared. In my life, however I am learning to try to learn faster, listen more and ask more questions. This new "other person" focused way of doing life has been leading to other people who are more willing to talk, more willing to wait and more willing to help.
As I've said before, I don't know, and in this case I don't know of focusing on others and refusing to sit still will really help my life in the long run or even at all, but as of right now that's a risk I'm willing to take.

I Don't Know

  I enjoy talking. It is easily one of my favorite things to do. I could, and sometimes do, spend hours with people talking about the way they see things around them. It's interesting, to me, to get the perspective of someone who isn't me. I see through my eyes the majority of the time, but on the occasion that I convince someone else to help me to see the world through their eyes, that is a truly wonderful time.  These types of conversation, the ones where I start to understand people and their lives better, seem to have started me saying a new phrase: "I don't know"
  There's nothing wrong with not knowing things. That's not what I'm saying whatsoever. I seem to, for some reason, have begun saying "I don't know" about far more things than I should. I say it when I know things, I say it when I don't know, I say it when I can't find the right words and sometimes I even say it randomly when I have a lot on my mind, openly admitting "I don't know" to no one. I wonder if it is a nervous habit or if its possible that in all honesty I really don't know. By this I mean I know a lot of things; I have good grades, an active mind and an adventurous, learning attitude. I wonder sometimes though that if my not knowing is more based on more of my knowing for the future and less of my knowing about right now.
  When I say I know for the future it can be explained by the model of a marathon runner. He really doesn't know why he works so hard to push his body each day. After all, he will work out again the next day or the next week so why does he have to keep pushing so hard through each day, regardless of how challenging each day is? It really doesn't seem justified. But, by knowing himself and his own goal he knows that by even missing one day he could totally destroy the path he is on. He has to keep a sound mind and body to achieve the things his heart wants to accomplish. I often wonder if this is why I keep moving through life so quickly and with my eyes looking to the future. I also wonder if this is why I have started saying "I don't know" so much more frequently. It is possible that in my heart I know where I am going and why I do all of the things that I do. In my head, if I think about it long enough, almost everything I do makes sense and I find myself at peace. At the same time, if I don't think about it I can find myself confused with the way life is going. If I look at my life with a different perspective I can see the things and people I lack that I would much rather have. I see the time I give away to education and work and if I'm not careful I see it as a pointless endeavor. The trick I am learning is to be future-minded, looking towards tomorrow far more than I am looking at today. I still focus on what I do in day to day life, that is important. However, I have to know where I am wanting to go in life in my heart and then align my head and the actions of my hands to carry that out.
  Life is not easy. It is often fun, but rarely easy. From the experience I have had I would say to be careful to not set your eyes on today. Today may the most beautiful day you have ever seen but tomorrow is a discovery to be made. Learn what you expect from that discovery and today can make tomorrow better.

-Mattaghetti

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Suicidal or Dead?

  I intend to touch on some serious subjects so let's start by reinstating what I said on my first blog; I write as I think, my thoughts grow as I add words to the page so stay with me until the end, then feel free to comment or disagree. That being said I wish to empty my mind so enjoy.

  Death, being as exciting and unpredictable as it is, is a very serious subject. Regardless of your beliefs of the afterlife or lack thereof death is separation from everyone you love. Even if you believe in reincarnation death still separates the person you knew from you. Death is serious part of life but, as I think I'm coming to realize, death surrounds everyone. Obviously it would be easy to say that death surrounds everyone because is the end of life; trees die, people die, even microwaves die, however that is not what I'm talking about. I wonder if there is a certain feeling of death that surrounds us or, maybe it is a sort of suicidal tendency. I by no means am implying that people are naturally given the idea of taking their own life; rather people seem to be exceptionally willing to give their own life for a variety of things. When it comes down to it everyone has something that propels them forward; an idea of what they want to be and with many people, at least everyone that I have ever met, that thing is something they would be willing to give their life for.

  I'm not trying to make light or death or suicide; they are both very serious and impact many people in a variety of ways; however, the giving of ones own life over to something is also very serious in my eyes. Allow me to give you an example: You are given two plants; both healthy and will stunningly beautiful once they bloom. With these plants come the instructions; if these plants die there is no way to replace them; they are forever dead. A serious portion of your life becomes devoted to protecting and maintaining your plants and making sure that when they bloom they're seen by as many people as possible. Turn that into real life; you only have so much time to ready yourself before you "bloom". Often people spend a large portion of their time making sure they have an audience to cheer them on for when they bloom, friends to support them until they do and a plethora of other types of people surrounding them and their life for the moment they bloom.

  Its easy to say "this isn't about suicide at all! Or hardly death even!" But reconsider what suicide is, taking ones own life... By using your time surrounding yourself with people to give you a social-high you are giving up your time (Your life) to make sure what you do is approved and accepted by others. I'm in no way saying to go through life alone or that is a good idea. In my years often it seems that the people that seem to be surrounded by friends are just as much alone as the people who are made fun of for being alone; the only things that separate people who rank in a different social class tend to be genetics or certain skill-sets; nothing serious.

  My mind is relieved and in the end it is this; No matter how much of your life you spend trying to make someone else care about you, notice you, appreciate you or even notice that your heart is beating make sure you do not give away your life trying to wiggle your way into someone else's. Everyone has a life and only one; don't give yours away so quickly, you need it.

--Mattaghetti